Blog Reboot

I actually sat down almost two months ago to write about this startling realization I'd been able to have about my father. Writing a post on my blog was amazing in itself due to the fact that it’s been almost a year and half since I last wrote anything here. So there I sat posting what I felt was a huge chunk of my healing heart when I decided to take a break. I stepped away with the idea that I'd come back the next day to edit and then post. But I let life get in the way… again. Time flies when you are living life!

And the truth is I need to learn to use this blog as a tool in living my life. It’s something I hope I’ll touch on in the coming weeks.   

Let me begin by saying this blog started out as a bucket list item to be completed. I also had finally figured a way to express myself in a literary sense like I used to in high school English and college. However, I wasn't pushing myself to publish, letting my friends know about it, or even understanding how to go about promoting it. So I ultimately walked away from it. Nonetheless, it was always in the back of my mind because I've always wanted to write a book about my life. Then again, I thought if I couldn't write a simple blog then where I was I ever going to get the stamina to write a book. 

In addition to this nagging need to express my voice I also had this feeling that there was some deeper presence insisting me to make a move. I think it was God. From the blogging workshop I happened to attended at a church event the week I started this blog two months ago to the sermon serious on “Surrender” this past month, everything has been pointing back in this direction. The final realization this week: my Dad’s anniversary. As of July 19, 2013 my father will have been dead for two years.  And this blog entry, the one I’ve been having a hard time editing, is basically about him.

Let me explain briefly the remainder of this post. It was written in its entirety about 2 months ago. I will be editing it for time references and general edits but for the most part it is exactly my thoughts as I had them at the time. It is about a puzzle piece snapping into place and the peaceful satisfaction of understanding a bigger picture. Let me warn you in saying that both my blog entry and the blog I reference deals with the difficult topics of depression and suicide. The blogger referenced also uses harsher language than I do but that’s her way of expressing herself in this situation. I hope that despite the harder themes that the heart of my post is encouraging and honors the gift my father gave me (both earthy and heavenly).

Original post:

Today (May 17) I read a post from a blogger that I followed consistently about 1-2 years ago - until she stopped posting. I mentioned her blog in my very first blog post almost a year and a half ago. At that time I wasn't sure if I was allowed to reference other blogs within your own.  I now know that as long as you don't steal whatever they talk about and claim it as your own then the greatest form of blogging flattery is to talk about another blogger in your own blog.  So the blog that started it all for me was the blog by Allie at Hyperbole and a Half.  As I wrote before, her words just spoke to me.  She made me laugh and cry and everything in between.  She also made me realize that this blogging thing is a legitimate art form.

The blog is a mix of her fun drawings and stories that depict her real life growing up to now.  That is until she disappeared. Her last post before she disappeared was about depression, so I always wondered if that had something to do with her being silent. What is amazingly ironic about all of this was her last post coincided with the beginning of starting my blog (albeit - I'm not sure 5 posts in a 3 month period and then over a year of silence amounts to a consistent blog).  Her last post was also at about the time I was coming out of my very own depression tunnel.

So in reading Allie’s post (from May 16) touched me... in indescribable ways. So much so I wanted to comment on her blog and try and put words to what I was feeling. I wrote my comment all out only to find out she had reached her comment limit of 5,000 comments already! All within a couple of hours!  Don't get me wrong, I think that's fantastic and I was happy for her. But I was also a little sad because I didn't get to share my own feelings about her post. I wrote about how the post reminded me of why I wanted to start my blog in the first place - to tell my story. My story of depression, which is so similar to Allie’s story, was depicted in such an elegant, artistic way that can only be described as essentially ‘Allie’.

So before I lost the comment I wrote it down in a draft post on my own blog. I wasn't sure I was actually going to post it or not. Specifically because I wanted to use what I learned in a blogging class about promoting one's blog using other social media outlets. I planned on putting a notice on my Facebook page. And if I made a post about this comment - would I want this to be the first post my friends and family might read?  I could always use it later as a part of telling my story.  But the truth was that Allie's post was helping to find my voice.  It helped me realize a big part of what has happened to me in the last two years and how that recovery has made me into the person I am today.  In essence it might be the perfect place to start...

So for a reference go to http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html and read her blog about her 18 month depression.

My comment:

"Thank you for sharing. I actually had these exact same feelings a little over two years ago in April 2011. However mine only lasted 3 weeks. I can't imagine 18 months of that much nothingness.  But from your post I think I got to the semi-suicidal thoughts faster. And trying to explain to others about how I want to cease to exist, but that I did not want to actually do something to make that ceasing to exist actually happen, just confused those I managed to tell. However, you understood the feeling. I probably would have stayed in that state if not for a few key people who pushed me into going to the doctor to get on medication. I was lucky, I know this, because 1) I listened and 2) the right medication/dosage occurred the first time. And like you I came back to life in spurts.

My corn - the piece of the puzzle that just changed everything - wasn't unexpected and weird joy.  My corn was unexpected and weird grief. In July of 2011, I had been on anxiety/depression medication for three months and the ultimate test of it would occur. My father, at the age of 56, died without any warning, of a sudden heart attack. I had a very difficult relationship with my father and I had actually cut him out of my life for the last three years of his life. As a result, grieving his death took me by unexpected surprise because of its intensity. It also took me through a whole range of emotions I thought I had forgotten. It forced me to feel everything in all its Technicolor glory for the first time in six months. The grief process is a long one and to this day I sometimes still feel it. But it also allowed me to work on feelings I'd buried for years. It allowed me to find a way to forgiveness which I'd been struggling with for years. It would take me another three months but I would eventually find my way to joy and gratefulness I had not really experienced... ever in my whole life. It is weird, and often hard to think about, that my father dying probably saved my own sanity, possibly my own life. For that I am simply humbled with gratitude.

In the last 18 months, which crazily coincides with the time you have been silent, I have had the most amazing life. Truly. But I still have these moments, often when I am taking my medication (that I still take daily), where I freeze and remember those three weeks. Sometimes a sliver of the nothingness washes over me. I shake it off every time. I pray that I will always find a way to do that but it reminds me just how close that other reality is inside me. I pray you find a way to cope with this alternate reality of yours and also find ways to shake it off.  Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you."

And that's where for the first time I put into words just how extraordinary my father's death really was for me.  It felt like it was such a big realization to have and I didn't want to lose it simply because Allie's comment section was shut off.

The more I work on this post the more I think it's the perfect place to start (or restart considering this is the 6th post).  But it will be the first post I will actively put out to the world... so a real start.

I am excited to continue this journey. 

It's Christmas Time

Just wanted to say that its Christmas... and it's my second favorite holiday of the year.  (The first is the 4th of July because it was so close to my birthday that growing up I thought the fireworks were for me.)

Its time to sit back and be grateful for the blessings received throughout this year.

For me, I am grateful for:

1) The connections I've made through my church.  For the friends that helped me through one of the hardest things I had to deal with in my life - my father's death in July.

2) The realization that, with God's grace and my own hard work, I forgave my father and stepmother for everything they did or didn't do for me growing up.

3) The shift in perception, where through an unusual film called "People vs. the State of Illusion" I learned that I have the ability to actually choose to be happy.  And that slight shift brought everything I had been working on the past three years in therapy, in my church support groups, reading in the Bible, discussions with family and friends, etc. come into focus.  I now see things in... a different perspective.  (I hope to share the whole story here eventually...)

4) For my job.  In a world of uncertainty and unsure economic times I need to remember that the minor annoyances at work are just that minor.

5) For the fact that I think I could go on and on about being grateful.  In past years my old pessimism would have hindered that.

Merry Christmas!  And a Happy New Year!  May it bring new adventures and new joys.

My Brother was in Town, Thanksgiving Holiday and I'm a procrastinator

My brother came into town on Thursday, November 10th and during his stay I didn't have time to post.  Then after he left... I procrastinated, but I kept up with the trying new things though and saving the information in this post. 

Then Thanksgiving came and I procrastinated some more!

Finally work got complicated and I didn't have any extra "free" time so I didn't do any extra writing, except for when I had that breakthrough in the last post. 

So here is my intended third post more than a month later than it should have been posted.  What I realize is that I just need to finish up this post and get it out there.  That way I can focus on other topics in this blog.  In order to get this posted about halfway through the days descriptions will be brief, as the delay has been because I have wanted to elaborate on each...


Day 4 - Thursday, November 10, 2011 - Leave the house with the intention of giving $20 to someone in need.

This comes from the "Be Bold" night on Monday.  She discussed that we should be bold in our giving.  It prompted a discussion at our table about charity and being approached by people for donations.  I always seem to be approached and if I happen to have cash I will almost always inevitably give.  So I decided that in my week of new things I'd intentionally look for someone to give $20. 

On this day I had so many things to do to get ready for my brother that I really didn't have a chance to break out anything else from the list.  (Sorry A.D.)  I left my apartment and drove for awhile.  It was funny.  I hadn't really thought about where I'd find someone.  On my route to my mom's from my apartment I rarely see anyone who needs help, not like on my route to work.  But I had forgotten to eat lunch so I stopped and grabbed something from McDonald's.  Instead of going my normal route I turned south on Tatum and dug into my cheeseburger from Mickey D's.  Suddenly, with my mouth full I saw someone with a sign on the corner.  (Yeah... yeah more car bad habits - eating in the car!)  So with my hands holding half a burger, I reach into my purse for the $20 and rolled down the window.  I very clumsily waved the money towards the man.  He came over and thanked me profusely.  I however, suddenly got embarrassed about the food and I weirdly had a moment where I wondered if this man was judging me.  Isn't that a weird thing to be embarrassed about?!  In the end this man probably had to get over the embarrassment of standing on a corner asking for money.  So I let go of the weirdness and moved on with my life, sending out a prayer that his would get better.


Day 5 - Friday, November 11, 2011 - I hiked up Piestewa Peak... well as far as I could.

I had on my list to hike Camelback Mountain.  My brother and his girlfriend wanted to try hiking Piestewa Peak again.  We had visited the mountain the last time they were here, but they didn't make it to the top like they wanted.  As for me, I was injured and could only hike about five minutes before having to turn around as the steepness of the hike was too much for me.  So I ended up hanging out in the car with my mom while everyone else hiked.  My goal on this day was to get to the first outcropping that everyone else got to last time at the very least.

It was hard!  But everytime I wanted to stop I took a breath and continued on.  I had the mantra "I can do this - I'm not going to die."  And I did it!  When I figure out how to attach pictures to blogs I'll come back and add the picture I took of myself up there.

We also stopped at Echo Canyon before getting to the Peak. I actually thought we were going to hike here but Mom just wanted to show my brother's girlfriend the view.  However, I think one day I'd like to hike this Canyon.  So I added it to the try new things list.


Day 6 - Saturday, November 12, 2011 - I took my brother and his girlfriend mini-golfing and gocarting at Crakerjax.  Also went to the Movies and let my brother chose the movie.  That's not exactly new but the fact is he chose a movie I had really thought I would never see - had no interest in the concept.  So the new thing was I didn't complain about it (he-he).

Mom had to teach this day.  It was the one day she couldn't take off during my brother's stay with us.  So I was in charge.  I had at first big plans for this day.  I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, Sedona or even Tucson and try a few different things.  When it looked like that didn't appeal to anyone but me I started searching online for something quick and fun.  We settled on going mini-golfing and gocarting.  It is something I have done before but really not something I've done since I lived in Missouri and probably around college sometime which is going on 7 years now. Wow that is a strange thing to realize!

After gocarting/mini golf we went and saw the movie IN TIME with Justin Timberlake.  I think that's ultimately why I didn't complain.  Justin is HOT!  And I actually liked his acting.  Didn't actually know if I would.  The movie is definitely more interesting then I thought it would be and I actually enjoyed it.  Sometimes its best not to be in control!  

Day 7 - Sunday, November 13, 2011 -  Nothing exactly new - Susan G Koman three day walk... oh and at church... committed to tithe 10% next year for the first time.

So started out the day going to the 9 am service so I could have the rest of the day to spend with my brother.  While at church we had a final lesson on giving and they had their annual contribution commitment.  They asked us to put on a pledge card what we were going to tithe monthly to the church.  This past year has been the first year where I really made a conscious effort to contribute.  Given that the last time I attended church regularly was when I was child that's not really surprising.  What I haven't been able to do this past year is give 10% of my earnings, instead giving what I could to get in the habit of giving.  This day I made the commitment to actually tithe 10%!  My church had those of us who commited to do so for the first time that day to walk to the front in what they called the "Widow's Walk." (see the Bible for the reference - its the story about the widow who gave her last 2 coins...)

It was an amazing thing to witness.  And I found out at a later service that over 250 people committed to tithe 10% for the first time!

After church joined the family for my mother and step-father's sunday excursion to "Church".  That's what my parents jokingly refer to their Sunday brunch.  We then explored Old Towne Scottsdale walking through all the individual jewelry stories.  What is interesting to note is that we randomly got to see the end of the Susan G. Koman 3-Day.  We saw them walking near Echo Canyon the day before which is just south of Paridise Valley here in Phoenix.  I just couldn't believe we ran into them again!


Day 8 - Monday, November 14, 2011 -  Brother and his girlfriend left early in the morning and for the first day of my vacation I got to sleep during the middle of the day!

Nothing truely new today.  Although I had a first.  I got to see my mother get emotional after we dropped my brother off at the airport.  Truth be told I was the one who broke the quiet with "I think I might cry!"  Mom brokenly laughs and says, "Don't then I definately will."  Turns out she always cries after taking either my brother or myself to the airport, even if its me going on a trip and she knows I will be back!  She laughingly adds, "I normally do this by myself and don't have an audiance!"  The things you learn...

I also, for the first time actually, got to take a nap on my vacation!  Blessed sleep!


Day 9 - Tuesday, November 15, 2011 - Tried to find something new.  Went on yelp for the first time to find a facial place and nail place.  Called around for a facial - ended up not having openings the day of the phone call - need to schedule.  Called around for nails - they too didn't have any openings.  Ended up just booking my appointments.  Facial on Wednesday and Nails on Friday!


Day 10 - Wednesday, November 16, 2011 - Hair appointment - scheduled months previously and facial appointment.  It is a pampered day!

Day 11 - Thursday, November 17, 2011 - Acted like a Twihard and went to the Midnight Premiere of Breaking Dawn Part 1!

Day 12 - Friday, November 18, 2011 - Went out on the limb and did some crazy colored Gelish nails.  Think Asfault and Vegas Nights - basically glittery gray!

Day 13 - Saturday, November 19, 2011 - Attempted to go to the Pirate Exhibit with coworker at the Science Museum after a Saturday conference for work.  The museum was closing so we went and ate dinner instead where I literally told my coworker the plot and story line of all the Twilight books from Twilight to Breaking Dawn... oh no I am a Twihard! 

Day 14 - Sunday, November 20, 2011 - Horse Therapy and Bridesmaid Dress Shopping.  Yep, those two very different things did occur back to back.

Day 15 - Monday, Novmeber 21, 2011 - Actually complained about my nails as one was nicked and got fixed.  I normally don't complain about those things so that is new!  Last day of vacation - so the mission is complete.

Man... If I had thought to just post these final days in list sooner I would have had this out about three weeks ago.  Uggh... sometimes I'm too much of a perfectionist.  One thing I'm trying to unlearn.

Extraordinary and Brave New Thoughts

So I should be finishing up a two week old post  about the my adventures with the "new things".  Which just kept getting longer and longer the more time that has passed because I keep procrastinating.  And even though I'm not focusing on that post I'm not procrastinating I promise!   If any of that made sense...

The point is something extraordinary happened tonight that I just want to get out.  To say this without any explanation is really weird.  And to give an explanation is to tell my life story.  I plan on doing that eventually in this blog, but I don't think I should just blurt it all out in one short post.  I am not sure that is even possible either with my story.  Besides the point of telling my story is supposed to be a journey in itself - one that will hopefully help someone out there in the Intrernet stratosphere because that is the point of recovery and sharing ones story.  That's what I eventually hope will happen considering no one really knows about this blog just yet.

So let me start with this explanation and promise that I will explain it all in time.  My step-mother did something awful 15 years ago.  She ended up having to go to prison recieving 15 years to life.  I told someone the whole story yesterday for the first time in a long time and remembered that fact.  Fifteen years and she could get out for good behavior.  So that means that as of this year she possibly could be free. 

In reality thoughts of her arose several weeks ago when I first thought of doing this blog.  When I discussed with my mother my ideas for this blog, her first instinctual response was, "You can't do that because what if she reads it."  And that's really the first extraordinary thing that happened: I wasn't afraid of her.  For the first time, in 15 years, my first instinct when deciding to doing something that would put me out in the world wasn't of fear of her.  I was startled to realize I truly was free of those feelings.  Its been a long hard road and I look forward to discussing that in this blog.

But tonight I was attending my bible study (the one that was my accidental new thing from the previous post) and after an amazing session of discussing passages in Romans we started to discuss prayer requests.  One of the participants works for CPS (Child Protective Services) and she discussed a request about a child who was in a "non-accidental incident" and how the child wasn't going to survive the injury.  It was a little too close to home for me and I got a little emotional.  This woman in my group wanted to pray for peace for the father who perpetrated the incident.  I suddenly had this overwhelming sense of purpose.  I realized I wanted that for my step-mother as well - no matter where she is today, whether in jail or released and somewhere out there in the free world, that I pray that she too has peace.  I briefly explained a bit of it to these virtual strangers who are quickly becoming women I want to "live life with" (as our church describes is the purpose of small groups).  I mentioned to them that its possible that she did get out for good behavior, because she wrote me 10 years ago saying she had found Christ and forgiveness.  At the time I didn't believe her.  But if it was true and as a result she turned her life around she could be out now.  Tonight, I really hoped and prayed that she did find Christ and found that forgiveness.  I finally excepted that if I was allowed to find and have a relationship with Jesus, God and the church then so can she.

This stunning realization and breakthrough almost moved me to tears and as I drove home all I could think about was how I wanted to get this down somewhere.  I decided to do that here.  Someday, after I have told more of the details of my story, I will link to this post again and it will all make sense.  Even more, I think it will reveal just how extraordinary this day really was for me.

I thank God for getting me to this point.  Life is an amazing journey.

Accidental New Thing #3

So today was unexpected.  I had to go to work for 3 hours.  That isn't the part that was unexpected because even though I was on vacation I knew I had to work today weeks ago.  And work is a flexible term for what I did today.  I went to a Luncheon Awards Ceremony.  I've gone every year and even though I was on vacation I wanted to go this year. 

So I left home today knowing I was going to go do that but then the rest of the day... I left open to figure out.  I also figured I'd be back to the apartment sometime before the end of the night so I didn't take my "To Do" list from A.D.  After the luncheon I decided to take the remaining time in the afternoon to go to look at apartments.  My lease is up in January and I've decided that living 35 minutes from work, 45 minutes from church and any where from 30-60 (if not longer) minutes from all my friends and family members was just not worth it anymore. 

I have a friend at my church that has been chatting with me about being roommates.  It came up because we both found out our leases were up around the same time and we both want to save money.  She currently lives a mile from our church in Chandler, AZ.  If you don't know about the Phoenix Metropolitan area, Chandler has higher rents then where I currently live in north Phoenix.  Her current one-bedroom rent is $700 something.  I pay $500 for a studio in north Phoenix.  If we move in together we could get a two-bedroom and each pay $450-$500.  It wouldn't be much of a change for me, but I would save on gas and at least my rent wouldn't increase by $200. 

So I went to check out a property that she had seen and liked.  It was very nice but the cheapest apartment was $935.  I was expecting that amount so it wasn't a deterrent but I wondered if I could find better.  So I started driving.  I called a friend (yeah I know - not good talking on the cell and driving - I need to kick the habit!) and while on the phone I turned into the next apartment complex down the street without really thinking about it.  However, when I saw "Luxury Apartments" on the sign I pulled back out because I just didn't think we could afford that.  So I kept driving, saw another apartment complex, but then decided to try and go to Walgreen's and see if they have one of those local apartment magazines.  When they didn't I decided to just head back around to take a look at the apartment complex I saw after I turned out of the "Luxury Apartments." 

As I drove back I laughed at how close the "Luxury Apartments" were to my church - literally can see the church from the property across the freeway.  And I thought why not?  Why not just see the property?  You look really nice today and if its really incredibly expensive, just don't show it on your face, take a look and call it just plain fun.  I toyed with the idea that this could be my new thing for the day - Touring a property you know you can't afford.  It reminded me of something my high school guy friend and I almost did years ago.  I had returned to visit from college and we had gotten together and we were driving around trying to figure out what to do.  We suddenly saw an "Open House" sign and we decided to act as a prospective couple and take a tour.  We almost did it but I chickened out.  As this friend impossibly hilarious I didn't think I could contain myself during the tour.  To this day I wish we had done it because I thought it would be a hilarious story.

I went into the property and was stunned to find out as she showed me the floor plans that they were running a special.  The cheapest two-bedroom was $767!  Almost $200 cheaper than the last place.   It about bowled me over.

So while I couldn't say this was my new thing of the day I definitely took it as a sign to look at the apartment and seriously consider it.  On top of all that the sales associate also attends our church!  In the end I wanted to jump at it! However, even though I could put the holding cost and my application fee down and get the majority back in 48 hours if we decided against it, I just couldn't do it with out checking with K (my friend) first.  As the sales associate and I were talking numbers K returned an earlier text I sent and I immediately called her back.  And to make a long story short: I went and got her, she saw the model and we put the holding cost down.  We even choose one that cost a little more so that we could have a first floor apartment (something we wouldn't have been able to afford at the previous apartment complex).  My assignment for tomorrow is to call around and see if this is truly the best deal for us.  However, this feels like it will be the place.

By the time we finished all of this it was 6:15.  K was co-leading a bible study or as our church calls them a "small group" at 7:00.  In fact she had invited me to attend weeks ago, but I honestly thought I had too much on my plate.  I ended up telling her no for time being, but that I'd reconsider in the spring.  

You see currently, I have:
1. an abuse step-study (I'll get into at a later time) support group I meet with on Monday nights.
2. a program called GriefShare - a Christian based support group - on Tuesday nights (my father died in July and I have been attending this group to support the grief process).
3. a program called Celebrate Recovery (the abuse group is an extension of this program) on Friday nights.
4. and of course Church on Sundays.
(all of which I will touch on in later posts)

For a woman who has been leery of religion for so long I was a bit overwhelmed by my schedule.  Don't get me wrong, I love all the work and all the people I'm interacting with, but it sometimes is remarkable to see myself sitting in a Christian based support group almost every night of the week.

As I was taking her to this "small group" meeting she invited me again, this time saying, "Come to the first one. We are just meeting each other tonight and if you don't like, it then you don't have to continue."  And I thought about it - my Monday and Tuesday groups will all end in the next month, so I could see about handling the additional night if I decide to continue, knowing it would be short term.  The only thing that was holding me up was my "New Thing" commitment.  And then it was like this "ah-hah moment" - this group can be my new thing for today. It wasn't on A.D.'s list, but the reality is I have added other things to the list, so not everything is going to be A.D. inspired.  And the truth is I've been attending my church for over a year now and have been intending to join a small group for some time, but have always put it off.  So this will actually be my first time joining an (official) Bible study. 

In the end I joined her and it turned out that it was divinely inspired!  I love the women in this group - they are real women with real issues, dynamic lives and interesting stories.  Add to that it is a relaxed setting to dive into studying God.  And that really was the part that made me hesitant to join.  I was worried that it was going to be this hugely structured thing that would remind me of why I stayed away from religion for so long in the first place.  And it wasn't like that at all.

And that's where I learned that this "Try a new thing" is actually just giving me a different view of the world.  I'm not planning my life as much as I thought I would with it.  I thought my whole vacation was going to be one thing after another but instead its just about opening up to possibility.  And my life is just coming together so beautifully without me even trying. 

I also love that I'm just listening to the unexpected idea that comes into my head like "Take a look at the apartments out of your league - it will be fun." 

And that's how I accidentally stumbled into my new thing...

Day 3 - Wednesday, November 9, 2011: Start attending a Bible Study.