Finding a New Song

I've been thinking a lot lately about change.  I guess that's inevitable when your on the brink of it. People keep asking me if I am ready for it all. When is my last day here? When am I moving? Am I renting a truck for the move? Am I doing it by myself? Where will I be living? Do I have a job? Am I ready for the move?

Its funny how the answers to most of those questions have definitive answers...

My last day of work is October 11. 

I'm moving the following week most likely Thursday, October 17 or Friday October 18. 

I am not taking a truck.  Basically whatever fits in my little Mazda 2 with me is going.  Well, taking into account that I've already took 4 suitcases worth of stuff to Missouri in the last year when I've flown in for my brother's shower and wedding and the 4 shipped boxes.

Yes! I am moving all by myself.  Its strange how excited I am about that aspect.  I know its going to be a long trip.  And its sort of crazy to do by myself.  But I have a plan... and I will discuss it more in the coming weeks.

I will be living with my brother and my sister-in-law for, at most, a year until I get on my feet.  As I mentioned in my last post, it actually looks like with my brother heading out of town for work, the majority of next year I'll actually be roomies with my sister-in-law.  I'm hoping that is good news for her.  I mean of course its going to be hard not having her husband of almost a year not living full time with her but at least she won't be alone in the house when he's in Iowa.

And I don't have a job yet.  This is crazy I know. I have to keep in mind I did the same thing straight out of college.  I moved to Arizona without a job.  It took me 9 months but I finally did step into a career (that isn't to say I wasn't working - after a month off I worked 2 part-time jobs until I could find something that fit me).  That is what is different this time around. I have 8 years of experience (and confidence) to add to my education.

Am I ready for the move though?  I'm not sure. Now don't get me wrong, I want this move to happen and am totally excited about it.  I'm ready to do something different possibly with my career. I'm looking forward to a different climate - even if that means snow (did I just write that) - I'm just done with the baking heat.  I'm excited to be near my brother (even with his temporary move for work) and other family again.  It's going to be great being an everyday part of some of my closest friends lives instead of the current situation of intermittent phone calls and once a year trips (if I'm lucky).  I'd like to reconnect with other friends that have really only been Facebook friends in recent years.

What I'm not so sure about is the next evolution in my life. The "what's the next big thing in my life" thing.  Don't know if that makes sense but what I'm trying to say is that I'm just not sure what is next for me to do. Let me see if I can put it a different way.

When I was a child I just wanted to not be scared, hurt, or angry so I hoped and wished to be a teenager who could "do what I want".  When I was a teenager I just wanted to get away from the panic, the heartache and distrust I had for those around me so I wished to be in college so I could "do what I want."  When I was in college I was so busy trying to get the grade, losing myself in my friends and falling for the unattainable guy that I just wanted to be an adult in the real world so I could finally "do what I want."  So I moved to Arizona, again to get away from the pain of the past more than anything, and I got a "real" career and got to "do what I wanted". I tried to be a real adult. But what I found that while on the outside I looked like an adult (I worked, I paid bills, I moved out on my own and I took care of myself) on the inside I still felt like a little girl.  Once I realized I couldn't hide from past or my feelings I hit a breaking point in my life and I realized that no matter what, I needed help and I needed to be fixed. So my next "big thing" was to "get fixed". And so in 2007 I finally walked into a trauma therapist's office and started working on it. It took me a good 3 years with her and then the last 3 years participating in Celebrate Recovery to actually come to terms with the fact that it isn't about "fixing myself" or being "normal". It was actually about learning to appreciate the past for the perspective it gave me and knowing that it boils down to focus.  I can choose not to focus or dwell on the pain of the past and instead focus on bigger and greater things - and for me that has been figuring out my relationship with God.  Because it was only through his eyes that I forgave my father and its only through his grace that I learned to forgive myself and rid myself of years of guilt and sadness.

So it's like I've lived all these different lives: child, teen, college student, pseudo-adult, and healing person.  So what now?  What will this new life bring me?

Yesterday, I was driving to Tucson to work. I'm actually still there in the hotel room I booked last night to have a two day visit with a program.  It will probably be my last overnight stay for my agency.  And that is also sort of crazy thing to think about and I could go off on a tangent about that but that isn't the point.

I was blasting my music on my I-Pod through my car speakers (man I love technology now days - ALL my music at my fingertips all the time!) and I had it on shuffle.  This means I was getting a crazy mix of things.  And this story actually reminds me of a pin I pinned on Pinterest today! "I have 3 moods. -skips every song on my iPod. -lets the music play without interruption. -plays the same song on repeat for days."   Because the song that randomly came up that I haven't heard or really thought about in years was "One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillet.  I love music, especially when it talks to you, which I feel like it has done my whole life.  This song was something I came across in the midst of being in therapy.  I literally remember bringing my Ipod into my therapists office and playing it for her just to express the chaos that was going on in my mind.  She even used it in the session that day to surround my senses and just work through everything using the music.  And it was definitely a song I played on repeat until I couldn't stand it anymore. 

As I really listened to the song for the first time in years I latched on to the fact that with this move coming I sometimes still feel "lost inside my head".  But unlike years ago I'm not stuck there and not able to "get out of it."  In fact, I think I work very hard to not get bogged down in "juggling all the thoughts in my head" or dwelling on my "fears on fire".  I also still have times where I feel like I'm "walking on one fine wire" and "I'm slow(ly) unraveling" but those moments are few and far between.  So, in a way this song still describes me but it doesn't define me. That's a huge change in my life.

I want to find a new song.  Something that defines this new me.  I know that it will happen and I look forward to stumbling across it.

This song and these thoughts made me back track and wonder about all of the change in my life which is where I started this post tonight. In the end this song inspired my own words and gave me new perspective on the pending change.

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If you'd like to here the song its here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUnvG9qzbbM
Or to read all the lyrics I've typed them below.

"One Fine Wire"

I try so many times
But it's not taking me
And it seems so long ago
That I used to believe
And I'm so lost inside of my head
And crazy
But I cant get out of it
I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

Life plays such silly games inside of me
And I've had some distant cries, following
And their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But it's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire....

Extraordinary and Brave New Thoughts

So I should be finishing up a two week old post  about the my adventures with the "new things".  Which just kept getting longer and longer the more time that has passed because I keep procrastinating.  And even though I'm not focusing on that post I'm not procrastinating I promise!   If any of that made sense...

The point is something extraordinary happened tonight that I just want to get out.  To say this without any explanation is really weird.  And to give an explanation is to tell my life story.  I plan on doing that eventually in this blog, but I don't think I should just blurt it all out in one short post.  I am not sure that is even possible either with my story.  Besides the point of telling my story is supposed to be a journey in itself - one that will hopefully help someone out there in the Intrernet stratosphere because that is the point of recovery and sharing ones story.  That's what I eventually hope will happen considering no one really knows about this blog just yet.

So let me start with this explanation and promise that I will explain it all in time.  My step-mother did something awful 15 years ago.  She ended up having to go to prison recieving 15 years to life.  I told someone the whole story yesterday for the first time in a long time and remembered that fact.  Fifteen years and she could get out for good behavior.  So that means that as of this year she possibly could be free. 

In reality thoughts of her arose several weeks ago when I first thought of doing this blog.  When I discussed with my mother my ideas for this blog, her first instinctual response was, "You can't do that because what if she reads it."  And that's really the first extraordinary thing that happened: I wasn't afraid of her.  For the first time, in 15 years, my first instinct when deciding to doing something that would put me out in the world wasn't of fear of her.  I was startled to realize I truly was free of those feelings.  Its been a long hard road and I look forward to discussing that in this blog.

But tonight I was attending my bible study (the one that was my accidental new thing from the previous post) and after an amazing session of discussing passages in Romans we started to discuss prayer requests.  One of the participants works for CPS (Child Protective Services) and she discussed a request about a child who was in a "non-accidental incident" and how the child wasn't going to survive the injury.  It was a little too close to home for me and I got a little emotional.  This woman in my group wanted to pray for peace for the father who perpetrated the incident.  I suddenly had this overwhelming sense of purpose.  I realized I wanted that for my step-mother as well - no matter where she is today, whether in jail or released and somewhere out there in the free world, that I pray that she too has peace.  I briefly explained a bit of it to these virtual strangers who are quickly becoming women I want to "live life with" (as our church describes is the purpose of small groups).  I mentioned to them that its possible that she did get out for good behavior, because she wrote me 10 years ago saying she had found Christ and forgiveness.  At the time I didn't believe her.  But if it was true and as a result she turned her life around she could be out now.  Tonight, I really hoped and prayed that she did find Christ and found that forgiveness.  I finally excepted that if I was allowed to find and have a relationship with Jesus, God and the church then so can she.

This stunning realization and breakthrough almost moved me to tears and as I drove home all I could think about was how I wanted to get this down somewhere.  I decided to do that here.  Someday, after I have told more of the details of my story, I will link to this post again and it will all make sense.  Even more, I think it will reveal just how extraordinary this day really was for me.

I thank God for getting me to this point.  Life is an amazing journey.