Friends, Family and More Driving

I was right about not being able to post. But it was a bit longer between posts than I expected! I'm actually finished with my trip and have arrived safely in Lee's Summit as of last night. Time just wasn't on my side when it came to posting (when I actually had internet access). I was super busy and when I wasn't doing something I was just exhausted and sleeping off the trip.

Here is a run down of my trip and some photos I took along the way.

Day 4 - 5 - October 21-22, 2013 - Springfield, Mo
Slept in! Recovered for most of the day from my 3 days of travel in the morning and then we went to Missouri State University campus (it was Southwest Missouri State when I was there). It was really a bit surreal to be on campus. It must have been the time of day but campus wasn't really that busy. So that was interesting to see. Peaceful even.

 

If you look closely you can see the band practicing. C was so excited as she did Band in high school.

 

It's Homecoming. At least it looked like that as the windows in the PSU were painted by different sororities and fraternities.

 

This is J and C (in order). Thanks for such a cool time you two!

 

The main walkthrough on campus that includes the library.

 

Scholar's House. This is where I lived my Freshman and Sophomore years.

 

I just love the old buildings and architecture.

Day 6 - 8: October 23 - 25, 2013 Osage Beach, Mo
Drove to my Grandma's house in Osage Beach. We hung out, worked on her (super hard) puzzle and talked for most of the first and second days. On Thursday we went out to eat at Outback with my Uncle B as it was his birthday. On Friday they took me to my cousin C's high school football game.  Here are some shots from the game. It was sooo cold but at least it wasn't raining. Apparently the game the previously week it was cold and rainy! They were miserable.

Day 9-11: October 26-28, 2013 Mattoon, IL
I unloaded all my things at my grandmother's and took her with me to visit my Uncle G in Mattoon, IL. She was already supposed to be headed that direction and I was able to help out with that. This 5-6 hour drive was a bit harder than my 8-9 hour days earlier on in the trip. Partly I think because I bit nervous driving with my Grandma making sure I didn't lead foot it. And partly because I couldn't play my crazy upbeat music as loud as I do when I drive or that I couldn't listen to my current book on tape because I didn't want to explain the whole story to Grandma. Not that I didn't enjoy being with my Grandma - it was just that I felt the time actually more because I didn't have my normal distractions. Not sure if that's a good way to describe it because I do pay attention to driving and don't want to make it seem like I didn't.

The time with my Uncle's family was mostly just hanging out time. I played with two of my youngest cousins La and Lo (my normal initials don't work when they have the same), played sorry with the two of them, my grandmother and my Uncle, and went to church on Sunday. It was a constant whir of energy when the house was full!

On Monday my grandma and I spent almost the whole day working on my family tree. I had been wanting to get it all down for myself for awhile and I spent nearly 6-8 hours just typing in information into a family tree. I was glad to get it down but I wish I had gotten up earlier so I wasn't doing it into the evening and could have hung out a bit more.

All in all I had a very nice time. I was mad at myself that I didn't get any pics with my Uncle, Grandma or any of the family... will have to make sure to do that next time. I did get a few pics of their gorgeous view before I left.

 

Day 12: October 29, 2013 Drive to Lee's Summit
I left Mattoon, IL at 8:30. I was excited because it was actually the earliest I've ever gotten going the whole time. This was great because it actually got me to Osage Beach to load up my car again earlier than I thought. And then with my Uncle B helping load my car we got it all loaded in 15 minutes and not the hour I expected. This helped to get me into into Lee's Summit before it got dark. That ended up being a good thing with the weather. I drove across Missouri in the sleet and rain and ended with driving for the last hour in almost fog. I took a few quick pics to show what I basically saw all day.

 

And so I arrived yesterday to hang out with my brother R and his wife C. It was a simple and nice night. And so what I needed after the long trip.

 

I slept in today and then unloaded my car and dragged half of it up to my room. I'm partially unpacked but have a long way to go. I ended up canceling plans on my two closest friends because I couldn't stand the thought of getting into my car (I even didn't go grocery shopping like I through I would). That and the fact that it was gloomy and rained all day I just didn't want to drive in it again. But my friend Al brought me a surprise since I wasn't meeting with him and my other friend Am. It was this gorgeous platter of fruit. Which was a nice supportive thing considering I am trying to eat healthy and while a cake or other desert would have been fun this was actually much better for me. It was also sweet to bring it by considering I canceled on them.

 

 

 

I'm excited to see them tomorrow for Halloween and "Trick or Treating" with Am's daughter N. I just hope this weather just lets up!

 

But as it is my Journey here is complete. I'm onto the next big journey - finding a job! It's gonna get real now. I'll be posting about that in the coming weeks. 

Old Comfortable Tennis Shoes

Day 3: Drive to Springfield:
By comparison to the past two days today's drive was a breeze. I even slept in later. Well at least I tried. At nine housekeeping knocked on my door because I forgot to put out the do not disturb card :(. Anyways I then just lounged around until I left at eleven. Of course I then ran into a ton of road construction. So I got into Springfield later than I would have liked especially since I actually had friends to meet. So sometimes its just better to stick to a plan.

It's amazing how quickly and easy it is to settle in with old friends. I vaguely remember a description in a novel about how old friends are just like a pair of old tennis shoes. They may be old but they are comfortable. Or something like that. Now that I wrote that out like that I'm not sure how complimentary the statement is exactly. I've known C and J since freshman year of college and therefore besides my two closest friends from high school are amongst my oldest friends. In fact I roomed with both of them my Sophomore year and then even moved off campus with C and another friend to our own house for our Junior year. C has opened up her home to me for the next 3 nights and that is where I'm posting from right now.

I can't believe that its been a little less than 10 years since we graduated college. As the concept of time has been something I've addressed several times in this blog I won't go into it again. It's just really strange to feel that it was just yesterday that we were all together in school and then deal with the fact that they are now both moms. In fact C's children are already in 2nd grade and Kindergarten. And well that is all just a trip because it doesn't feel like it is all possible. Anyways we all just started talking and the conversation just flowed for nearly 5 hours. It reminded me of how we did that a lot in college. Mostly into the weee hours of the morning. Which we didn't do tonight. C has to get up early for work and J has a 30+ minute drive back home to her family. So that leaves me as the final night owl. But really only because I'm still off on my timing. It's midnight here but a part of me still feels like its 10 - which it is in Arizona. I didn't think I'd have jet lag driving across country but here I am. I just feel blessed that C's house is set up that the guest room is in her basement and so my staying up later than her family isn't keeping them up... or at least I hope it's not. They've been amazing gracious with me letting me stay here, putting my packed car in their garage and giving me a remote so I can come and go as I please. I couldn't ask for better.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to drive around town. See if I can drege up any memories... And after C gets off work the three of us are heading over to campus to see all the changes. Even though they live in the same town that we went to college they haven't been over to it in years either. Then Tuesday I hope to be able to plan something for dinner with other college friends. I actually have to post on Facebook ASAP about it because unlike my usual nature of planning out everything I didn't get that far in setting up anything. As I told J tonight I was surprised by how quickly my trip seemed to just suddenly be happening. So hopefully I'll actually have some friends that are available! 

I'll be leaving town on Wednesday to head to my Grandmother's where I'll be staying through Saturday. Combining the fact that I don't think my Grandma has Wi-Fi and the fact that the next two days or so I just want to relax I'm not sure if I'll be posting again until maybe next weekend. So if I don't I'll try to do a thorough update in the next post.

Oh... and one more photo for this part of the trip. It wasn't the Welcome to Missouri sign. I don't know how I kept missing those signs! It's of the Welcome Center sign just cross the border.

I'm going to go ahead and post this without a review - I'm just a little too tired for it tonight.
So please excuse any errors.

 

 

 

Feeling Grown and Technology is Crazy

Day 2: Driving to Oklahoma City:
I woke up this morning at my crazy nice hotel. I used Hotwire for this trip and I paid less for the hotels for the past two days than the mid-priced hotels that I've stayed in for work. Last night I stayed in a Sheraton (this is funny to me because I accidentally told my family and few friends - that I stayed at a Radisson... I wonder why I shifted that in my head... or maybe that's just funny because I'm tired). And tonight I'm staying at a Hilton Garden Inn.

Anyways I packed up the car and in my readjusting of some of the boxes that shifted I jammed my finger up against my hope chest in the car and nicked it. It started to bleed like crazy and so I ended up actually using the emergency car kit that I bought for the trip. I then started driving out of Albuquerque.

Once past the city New Mexico and into northern Texas is a flat land that led me to lots of thoughts
 about what I was doing.

Look nothing!

 

I am driving cross country on my own! Its funny the things that make me feel my age. I for the most part go around still feeling like I'm 16 years old. I mean emotionally and physically I don't feel like a teenager. And for the most part mentally I normally feel like an adult. Especially when it comes to working, paying bills and caring for myself. But there are a lot of times where, for lack of a better way to describe it, I just don't feel like a grown up. This is something that I wonder if I'll ever get over - feeling younger than I am. I once asked my mother how old she felt and she said 25 so maybe someday I'll get to the point of feeling that age. Maybe after I've had kids and am in my 40-50s.

Anyways driving across the country on my own has made me feel very grown up! Its crazy how much of an adult I feel through all of this. From doctoring my finger calmly to driving very long hours cross flat land that's almost as bad as the deserts I had came from. With my job in Arizona I drove all over the state and there are huge sections of the state that is just numbing desert. Which is another thing that made me feel like an adult. This driving thing has been actually pretty easy. Almost like my "blinking" I've mentioned driving has been a breeze. But more than being an adult I think that more or less has to do with the training I've received over the last 7 years. My job basically took me from one end of the state to the other so I think I've just gotten used to it.

Along the way I saw fields of windmills that generate electricity. It was interesting to see. I tried to take a picture but I'm not sure they really came out.  Because they are white and the sky in the distance looks white they blend pretty well.

It was actually pretty amazing to see the windmills. And I continued to see them in patches throughout Texas. And in the meantime my phone chirped out how many miles I had to Amarillo and then later to Oklahoma. I used my navigation on my phone (in assistance of the printed out MapQuest) to assist me in getting to different stops along the way. In particularly the Cracker Barrels along the way. One of the things I learned in driving all over Arizona was that one of the easiest and cleanest places to use the restroom is in a Cracker Barrel. They inevitably are super busy in their front store areas so slipping in and not buying anything is pretty easy. And considering I liked getting the books on CD to use while driving this was always an easy stop for me and so I've continued to use this concept for this trip. Not to mention that since I packed my lunches for the trip it was super easy to eat them in their overly large parking lots. I also used the phones to get me to the hotels because having the phone tell me where to turn instead of trying to read the instructions (especially at night) helped a lot. And as I thought about it tonight I thought it was really quite extraordinary - this technology we have from the electricity making windmills to phones that are essentially talking maps. And I can't imagine living without these advances anymore.

I'm getting pretty tired. And considering I'm now on central time I've lost another hour! So I'll post this.  Oh but first a couple other photos of my journey.

TEXAS!

This is actually a HUGE cross. I think its supposed to be the largest cross in the US. I know it was supposed to be on this route (when I looked online for interesting things to see along the way this was one of the sites that was supposed to be directly off of the highway).

I just missed the Oklahoma sign! :)

A Full Schedule, Practicing Joy and My First Day of Driving

It's funny to think that now that I'm driving across country I now have the time to actually write a post. This past week has been non-stop packing and running around finishing up errands for the move. And the last thing I thought as I laid down to sleep last night was that I didn't post about this trip as I had planned.  So I told myself - You HAVE to post once you get to Albuquerque! Which given how long the drive is and the fact that with the time zone change it is so very late I really should be finding my way to bed.

So to get to the point:
The Plan - I will post about my trip along the way.  If I can figure out how to access blogger via my phone (it's acting weird about logging on - I tried today and it didn't work) then I'll do some short posts from the road:).  I will also put some photos (now that I know how easy it is!) that I've taken along the way.

Before the Trip:
I've been visiting with family and friends almost constantly for the last two weeks. And while it's been emotional I have not broken down. It's practically a perfect example of how far I've come in my journey. I cry at the drop of hat. I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm overwhelmed or overjoyed. I cry when I'm angry and I cry when I'm excited. But while I've leaked a bit in the past several weeks I haven't been bowled over by it even when some of my closest friends have been taking it harder than I expected.

And more than that everyone keeps asking me about how my mother is taking me leaving. And she really has been a trooper. When I brought it up to her again the other day (she had kept laughing it off the other times I had mentioned other people's concerns) she finally told me that it's about practicing joy. Being sad has no benefits to it and that I'm going on to the next stage of my life and that she supports that whole heartedly. Practicing Joy. This has stuck in my head for the last couple of days. I like the idea because I ultimately have learned in the past 2 years - that it's a choice to be happy. So the concept of practicing joy just feels very real to me.

Day 1- October 18, 2013 - to Alberquerque:
I got up and finalized my car and set out on my trip! My car is completely stuffed! My parents couldn't believe I packed as much as I did into it.

 

My mom had to leave earlier than when I left but I got up early to say goodbye and give her a hug. She gave me a prayer for the road that my grandfather used to say in his benedictions. I'd write it here but I left it in my car and I may want to keep it for myself... it was emotional but again I kept it together.

My step-father almost got me though... he was doing the "Dad" thing checking my engine and tire pressure. I had to step away and not dwell on it or my practicing joy might not have worked very well. I finally gave him a hug and hopped in my car, but not before almost pulling away with one of my doors open!!!

Ahh! The drive... it was good up until the last 2-3 hours. Then it just got weird. I stopped and got a photo of a land formation. And then when I got back on the road I missed the welcome to New Mexico sign as it must have literally been where I stopped but didn't realize it!

I then got turned around in Gallup, NM when I stopped to get gas. Which had me driving in the opposite direction for about 8 miles until I could exit and turn around. I still had 2 hours to go until Albuquerque and my reservation so I just kept at it. But it wasn't that bad because even though it was late I got to stare into the craziest thing: the full moon.

When it finally got dark it was like a flashlight on the road in front of me. SOOOO Bright!

Anyways, I finally arrived in Albuquerque thinking I did well considering it was 8:30 when I check in - only to walk into the hotel room and see the clock read 9:30... oh wait I'm in a different time zone. I forgot to take that into account :(...

So even though I normally stay up for another hour or so I'm thinking I should hit the sack because tomorrow is going to come way too soon.

"Blinking" and an Ebenezer

I am trying not to be frustrated with myself for not making my goal of a post every two weeks given how busy I've been tying up loose ends with work. I never thought how busy I'd actually be until I started finalizing and packing up 8 years of work. Not to mention all the last minute things I wanted to do or people that I've wanted to see. It's all been a little overwhelming.

A couple of weeks ago I was putting on make-up for the day when I actually looked at my reflection in the mirror - specifically my eyes and how clearly intent they were on the process of applying eyeliner to the bottom lid of my right eye. Suddenly I flashed back to another day when I was staring myself in the mirror. A much younger version of my self, probably half my size and a lot more unsure. At 10 years old I was at a very different place - not just physically (different state, house, etc.) but emotionally and mentally.  I was a scared abused girl who only wanted the pain to stop. I used to stare at myself in the mirror in the bathroom mostly after particularly bad incidences. As I stared I would blink my eyes. I used to think of life as these fleeting moments. I had this whimsical idea that I could just close my eyes really hard I'd open them and time would have fast forward to a more pleasant point in my life. I eventually used this idea to calm myself - I'd stare at myself and tell myself to breath in and out and blink - time would soon speed by and I wouldn't have to be in that particular moment again. 

Back in the present I finished up my make up, the mascara, the blush and hint of lipstick. I smiled at myself and thought of how fleeting the time really has been. One moment I was this innocent girl and the next a 32 year old grown women. In a humorous moment I thought maybe I really had been successful - I wondered about time travel - and if this thought process was a bit like it. Which just made me laugh out loud with my philosophical ideas.

The point of this is that I really feel like these past 8 years I've been blinking my way through life. Both through the good and the bad times. It's unbelievable how time flies. And that's precisely how I feel about the last two months. Once I confirmed and knew my end date at work it was like sand in an hourglass. And even though I planned on posting more I just didn't have the time. Every moment was spent doing something in preparation of my move.

Things have finally settled down now that the last day at my job was Friday. This past weekend was also eventful with last dinners or lunches with family or friends. But even in all that I also had an impromptu but inspiring moment with some friends through church. While lunching with them the idea of getting a tattoo arose through a friend who mentioned a special a local tattoo place was doing. This place is actually a Christian tattoo parlor that provides an everyday special of $30 cross. This exceptional price made me really start to think about it. I probably would have shrugged off the idea if it hadn't been for several things:
1) I had an inspired thought about what to actually get (see below).
2) My friend who said she'd go with me to get it.
3) And another friend, who isn't a fan of tattoos, saying that if this was to mark the progress I've made in my life and way to honor God in an altar - calling it an Ebenezer - that she'd support me.

So with one more caveat - I'd do it if they excepted a walk in and that I'd be able to finish it before a 6:00 pm dinner appointment I had - we went to Salt and Light Tattoo to get my tattoo. (http://www.saltandlighttattoo.com/) And low and behold one of the artists was able to fit me into his schedule.

My tattoo?

It's a cross made of nails (the cross I chose for the $30 special) and the verse Psalm 119:105 (which was extra).  "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." I think the significance is pretty apparent of why I chose the verse and the location.

In posting this I have to add the following information. When my friend started talking about putting a stake in the ground in remembrance for what I've experienced through God and all the hard work I've done in the last three years I could follow most of the conversation. I was pleased with the ideas being said because I was basically thinking the same things. Except for the comment of an Ebenezer or altar. I mean I understood the idea of building an altar to honor God but in all honesty I didn't understand the Ebenezer reference. So I was able to find online a sermon on an Ebenezer and the following definition and thoughts were listed in the introduction to the sermon (http://sermons.logos.com/submissions/12459-Ebenezer-Thus-Far-The-Lord-Has-Helped-Us-2#content=/submissions/12459).  An Ebenezer is a monument to God's faithfulness; a remembrance, an alter or memorial of a time or event where God intervened. When you have an alter experience you are altered. The power of an Ebenezer is in the revelation that God has intervened and you have chosen never to forget what He has accomplished. These three simple sentences encompass exactly what I wanted to do for the past couple years. I wanted a tattoo to mark the change I've been able to have since finding my way back to God and healing from my past. So while the above tattoo was a product of a quick conversation and decision it is really the result of years of careful thought and intent to honor God.

Well, I'm going to finish this up and say that with my last day at work last week and my upcoming move I think I'll be posting more - especially since I have the intent to post as I travel cross country. Probably shorter concise posts if I can manage being short and concise (smirk;) )

Also - I wanted to post about a free event that Salt and Light is hosting:
Noon Saturday, October 26 until noon Sunday, October 27. Its called Down 4 the Crown. The owner of Salt and Light is attempting to break a world record for doing the most tattoos in a single period. For $10 you can get a cross (see the website www.down4thecrown.com for details) and all proceeds will go to Streetlight USA to end Child Sexual Slavery. It's a really remarkable thing that he's trying to do as he is aiming for 1,000 tattoos. So if you want to support them they are having live music, food, and drinks. They are also doing face painting and temporary tattoos for kids.

Finding a New Song

I've been thinking a lot lately about change.  I guess that's inevitable when your on the brink of it. People keep asking me if I am ready for it all. When is my last day here? When am I moving? Am I renting a truck for the move? Am I doing it by myself? Where will I be living? Do I have a job? Am I ready for the move?

Its funny how the answers to most of those questions have definitive answers...

My last day of work is October 11. 

I'm moving the following week most likely Thursday, October 17 or Friday October 18. 

I am not taking a truck.  Basically whatever fits in my little Mazda 2 with me is going.  Well, taking into account that I've already took 4 suitcases worth of stuff to Missouri in the last year when I've flown in for my brother's shower and wedding and the 4 shipped boxes.

Yes! I am moving all by myself.  Its strange how excited I am about that aspect.  I know its going to be a long trip.  And its sort of crazy to do by myself.  But I have a plan... and I will discuss it more in the coming weeks.

I will be living with my brother and my sister-in-law for, at most, a year until I get on my feet.  As I mentioned in my last post, it actually looks like with my brother heading out of town for work, the majority of next year I'll actually be roomies with my sister-in-law.  I'm hoping that is good news for her.  I mean of course its going to be hard not having her husband of almost a year not living full time with her but at least she won't be alone in the house when he's in Iowa.

And I don't have a job yet.  This is crazy I know. I have to keep in mind I did the same thing straight out of college.  I moved to Arizona without a job.  It took me 9 months but I finally did step into a career (that isn't to say I wasn't working - after a month off I worked 2 part-time jobs until I could find something that fit me).  That is what is different this time around. I have 8 years of experience (and confidence) to add to my education.

Am I ready for the move though?  I'm not sure. Now don't get me wrong, I want this move to happen and am totally excited about it.  I'm ready to do something different possibly with my career. I'm looking forward to a different climate - even if that means snow (did I just write that) - I'm just done with the baking heat.  I'm excited to be near my brother (even with his temporary move for work) and other family again.  It's going to be great being an everyday part of some of my closest friends lives instead of the current situation of intermittent phone calls and once a year trips (if I'm lucky).  I'd like to reconnect with other friends that have really only been Facebook friends in recent years.

What I'm not so sure about is the next evolution in my life. The "what's the next big thing in my life" thing.  Don't know if that makes sense but what I'm trying to say is that I'm just not sure what is next for me to do. Let me see if I can put it a different way.

When I was a child I just wanted to not be scared, hurt, or angry so I hoped and wished to be a teenager who could "do what I want".  When I was a teenager I just wanted to get away from the panic, the heartache and distrust I had for those around me so I wished to be in college so I could "do what I want."  When I was in college I was so busy trying to get the grade, losing myself in my friends and falling for the unattainable guy that I just wanted to be an adult in the real world so I could finally "do what I want."  So I moved to Arizona, again to get away from the pain of the past more than anything, and I got a "real" career and got to "do what I wanted". I tried to be a real adult. But what I found that while on the outside I looked like an adult (I worked, I paid bills, I moved out on my own and I took care of myself) on the inside I still felt like a little girl.  Once I realized I couldn't hide from past or my feelings I hit a breaking point in my life and I realized that no matter what, I needed help and I needed to be fixed. So my next "big thing" was to "get fixed". And so in 2007 I finally walked into a trauma therapist's office and started working on it. It took me a good 3 years with her and then the last 3 years participating in Celebrate Recovery to actually come to terms with the fact that it isn't about "fixing myself" or being "normal". It was actually about learning to appreciate the past for the perspective it gave me and knowing that it boils down to focus.  I can choose not to focus or dwell on the pain of the past and instead focus on bigger and greater things - and for me that has been figuring out my relationship with God.  Because it was only through his eyes that I forgave my father and its only through his grace that I learned to forgive myself and rid myself of years of guilt and sadness.

So it's like I've lived all these different lives: child, teen, college student, pseudo-adult, and healing person.  So what now?  What will this new life bring me?

Yesterday, I was driving to Tucson to work. I'm actually still there in the hotel room I booked last night to have a two day visit with a program.  It will probably be my last overnight stay for my agency.  And that is also sort of crazy thing to think about and I could go off on a tangent about that but that isn't the point.

I was blasting my music on my I-Pod through my car speakers (man I love technology now days - ALL my music at my fingertips all the time!) and I had it on shuffle.  This means I was getting a crazy mix of things.  And this story actually reminds me of a pin I pinned on Pinterest today! "I have 3 moods. -skips every song on my iPod. -lets the music play without interruption. -plays the same song on repeat for days."   Because the song that randomly came up that I haven't heard or really thought about in years was "One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillet.  I love music, especially when it talks to you, which I feel like it has done my whole life.  This song was something I came across in the midst of being in therapy.  I literally remember bringing my Ipod into my therapists office and playing it for her just to express the chaos that was going on in my mind.  She even used it in the session that day to surround my senses and just work through everything using the music.  And it was definitely a song I played on repeat until I couldn't stand it anymore. 

As I really listened to the song for the first time in years I latched on to the fact that with this move coming I sometimes still feel "lost inside my head".  But unlike years ago I'm not stuck there and not able to "get out of it."  In fact, I think I work very hard to not get bogged down in "juggling all the thoughts in my head" or dwelling on my "fears on fire".  I also still have times where I feel like I'm "walking on one fine wire" and "I'm slow(ly) unraveling" but those moments are few and far between.  So, in a way this song still describes me but it doesn't define me. That's a huge change in my life.

I want to find a new song.  Something that defines this new me.  I know that it will happen and I look forward to stumbling across it.

This song and these thoughts made me back track and wonder about all of the change in my life which is where I started this post tonight. In the end this song inspired my own words and gave me new perspective on the pending change.

******
If you'd like to here the song its here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUnvG9qzbbM
Or to read all the lyrics I've typed them below.

"One Fine Wire"

I try so many times
But it's not taking me
And it seems so long ago
That I used to believe
And I'm so lost inside of my head
And crazy
But I cant get out of it
I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

Life plays such silly games inside of me
And I've had some distant cries, following
And their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But it's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire....

The Next Step

So the process of rebooting my blog has been harder than I expected for several reasons.  The main being that I've been dealing with a lot at work with it being less than two months away from my last day at my job!  Which is crazy as I've been working at my agency since September 2005.  That means I will have worked there for eight years!  October will also mean its been exactly a year since I began to think about and started the process of moving back to Missouri. And this past year has been a strange one full of twists and turns.

When I first made the decision to move last October my goal was to hopefully move by March and be back to Missouri around the time that my brother got married. Those first few months after I started thinking about the move I updated my resume and started to have conversations with friends and family about the move.  I unfortunately work in a public service field with limited resources. I have a nice life don't get me wrong.  But I've focused the last couple of years on paying off my debts so my savings weren't a priority.  So I therefore don't have the ability to pick-up and move without a few things in place, which also included a place to stay until I got on my feet. I have been blessed with wonderful family and friends and ended up having two options.  And even though it took some convincing by my brother that it was ok, I finally decided to move in with him and his now wife.  At the time of this discussion though she was his fiancé and they were a month or so away from their wedding.  I thought with them being newlyweds that it was intrusive on my part to consider moving in with them.  But when I flew in for a quick weekend to attend Cari's shower they both took the opportunity to show me their new house and explain that it would work out.

So with a place to stay all I needed was a job.  And back in February/March after I applied to almost 10 different positions I started to see how difficult it was going to be to find a job while living 4 states away.  So in about May I started a new plan - SAVE SAVE SAVE!  And then once I have a good nest egg saved - move with or without a job (I still plan on looking through the next couple of months).  So I figured out how much I needed to have about 3-4 months worth of savings to pay my financial commitments and plotted how long it would take me to get to that amount.  That final date was mid-October.

It's funny though... how God provides both opportunities and challenges to consider to any decision and waits to see how you react.

Opportunities:
1) In the Spring I was able to walk away from a major commitments at work with resigning from two committees where I was in charge of the silent auction portion of the events. At the time I was frustrated in the planning portion of the events and I jokingly said to one of my supervisors, who was my co-chair, that I just wished I could not do it anymore (I'd been doing it for nearly 6 years).  She said I could resign if I wanted. Suddenly a calmness swept over me and I did it. And remarkably, while it was initially hard to do it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. It allowed me to focus these last several months on working to tie up loose ends that actually pertain to my job and not anything "extra" I had worked myself into within the agency. 

2) I've had amazing opportunities to save money from essentially being let go of my apartment commitment 2 1/2  months early (my roommate decided to get married 6+ months earlier than planned and well I offered to leave - because I couldn't see myself living with a married couple). This allowed me to save about $1000+ right away for the move.  I also got my asking price on the television my mom and step-father had given me a year or so earlier and had told me it was mine to sell.  And then there is the fact that my parent's are allowing me to stay with them as I finish out and prepare to leave - rent free.

3) Also, even though it was taking a bit from my savings, I recently got a $400 Kindle (the most expensive version that competes with the IPAD) through a silent auction at work (yes! One that I walked away from and one that I wouldn't have been able to participate in if I had been working the event) for $145. This little device is keeping me organized - which with my moving lists is actually coming more in handy.

Challenges:
1) I have been helping my Celebrate Recovery group in a pretty large way by running and organizing for the last year all the computer media that runs the worship and lessons during big group.  Its been hard to find volunteers to take train and takeover.  And up until about a month or so ago I was getting nervous - but not as nervous as I would have been in the past because I believed that God would come through.  And he did.  Last month a newer member who has been attending for a year and has occasionally taken over for me in the media when I haven't been able to make it - he said he'd take it over when I left.  More than that he is taking steps that I couldn't make because I didn't have the technical no how to complete or even ask for as a possibility.  He even donated a computer for CR to use so we don't have to rely on our personal computers. And now in the last two weeks I've gotten 2 more serious volunteers. So all it took was patience on my part.

2) I have been feeling kind of down about  the whole process of the move. I mean eight years ago I packed up a U-Haul, put my car on a hitch and had two friends move me across the country. When I arrived I moved in with my mom and step-father until I got on my feet. And now I'm heading back with only what can fit in my car and will be staying with my brother until I get on my feet. So... it feels like I haven't done anything with my life and in fact am going back with less.  But that's just looking at the "stuff" and similarities of the moves and ignoring the gains I've made while in Arizona. The first is that I've truly learned to accept my past and forgive.  I also found my way back to God, learned to actually have a relationship with him and started to connect and attend a church again.  In my career I learned through my agency how to be a professional and gained work experience I otherwise wouldn't have had. After I thought about all of what I have done in my years in Arizona I was able to look at the moves symbolically.  I ran away from Missouri to escape my past dragging a lot of baggage with me (so much so that I needed friends to help me move).  And now I'm returning, fully on my own, in a thoughtful manner and with less to drag me down.

3) My move back was something I started thinking about for a lot of reasons. The biggest were that I wanted to be closer to the majority of my family and my long time friends.  My mom being here in Arizona is going to be hard of course but what I finally figure out is that it will be easier to live near the majority of my family and friends and visit Mom than vice versa, which is what I've been doing for the past several years. But with this move pending I got some interesting news from my brother. It turns out for his job he's going to be working for the majority of next year in another state and visiting home on the weekends.  It's a crazy opportunity for him but I find it pretty funny that my first year back he won't be around for it and I will be basically be roommates with my new sister-in-law.  Then there is also some things going on with one of my friends which I won't get into because it's really a personal story and not mine to share.  But I realized that coming back during this time will not be as easy as I might have thought.  These two discussions came within a couple days of each other and they slightly depressed me but only momentarily.  I soon realized that these were both examples of how I needed to make sure this move was not about my family or friends but about me.  More to the point I realized that these two situations, while they will effect my new life, didn't dissuade me about my choice.  I will be moving regardless of what life has in store for me there.

I had to finally look at this move as not as the fresh start that I imagined. I mean it will be a fresh start but I imagined it to be a certain (and possibly "perfect") way.  I came to the conclusion that I had to just think of this move as the next step in my life.  That my life in Missouri will be just like it is here, with pitfalls and success, it will just be different.  Once I realized that and came to peace with that it was like the rest of my unease and nervousness about the coming trip vanished.  It was like God telling me as long as I know what I'm getting into its alright for me to make the move.

So with all of the above thoughts and realizations I'm ready to announce my move. The next step in Eve's Evolution starts October 11, 2013 with the last day of my work.  I'll be starting my drive across the country the following week.  I'm looking to have an adventure as I trek across the country.  And actually I think I'm going to blog about this whole process: resigning, packing up, my last days here in Arizona, and the trip across country.  I actually think that last one will be pretty fun to blog about as my plan to drive across country is hopefully going to include taking in the sites as I do drive across the country and stay with friends and family along the way.

Well considering it's been almost exactly a month since my last post I'm going to go ahead and get this published...

Blog Reboot

I actually sat down almost two months ago to write about this startling realization I'd been able to have about my father. Writing a post on my blog was amazing in itself due to the fact that it’s been almost a year and half since I last wrote anything here. So there I sat posting what I felt was a huge chunk of my healing heart when I decided to take a break. I stepped away with the idea that I'd come back the next day to edit and then post. But I let life get in the way… again. Time flies when you are living life!

And the truth is I need to learn to use this blog as a tool in living my life. It’s something I hope I’ll touch on in the coming weeks.   

Let me begin by saying this blog started out as a bucket list item to be completed. I also had finally figured a way to express myself in a literary sense like I used to in high school English and college. However, I wasn't pushing myself to publish, letting my friends know about it, or even understanding how to go about promoting it. So I ultimately walked away from it. Nonetheless, it was always in the back of my mind because I've always wanted to write a book about my life. Then again, I thought if I couldn't write a simple blog then where I was I ever going to get the stamina to write a book. 

In addition to this nagging need to express my voice I also had this feeling that there was some deeper presence insisting me to make a move. I think it was God. From the blogging workshop I happened to attended at a church event the week I started this blog two months ago to the sermon serious on “Surrender” this past month, everything has been pointing back in this direction. The final realization this week: my Dad’s anniversary. As of July 19, 2013 my father will have been dead for two years.  And this blog entry, the one I’ve been having a hard time editing, is basically about him.

Let me explain briefly the remainder of this post. It was written in its entirety about 2 months ago. I will be editing it for time references and general edits but for the most part it is exactly my thoughts as I had them at the time. It is about a puzzle piece snapping into place and the peaceful satisfaction of understanding a bigger picture. Let me warn you in saying that both my blog entry and the blog I reference deals with the difficult topics of depression and suicide. The blogger referenced also uses harsher language than I do but that’s her way of expressing herself in this situation. I hope that despite the harder themes that the heart of my post is encouraging and honors the gift my father gave me (both earthy and heavenly).

Original post:

Today (May 17) I read a post from a blogger that I followed consistently about 1-2 years ago - until she stopped posting. I mentioned her blog in my very first blog post almost a year and a half ago. At that time I wasn't sure if I was allowed to reference other blogs within your own.  I now know that as long as you don't steal whatever they talk about and claim it as your own then the greatest form of blogging flattery is to talk about another blogger in your own blog.  So the blog that started it all for me was the blog by Allie at Hyperbole and a Half.  As I wrote before, her words just spoke to me.  She made me laugh and cry and everything in between.  She also made me realize that this blogging thing is a legitimate art form.

The blog is a mix of her fun drawings and stories that depict her real life growing up to now.  That is until she disappeared. Her last post before she disappeared was about depression, so I always wondered if that had something to do with her being silent. What is amazingly ironic about all of this was her last post coincided with the beginning of starting my blog (albeit - I'm not sure 5 posts in a 3 month period and then over a year of silence amounts to a consistent blog).  Her last post was also at about the time I was coming out of my very own depression tunnel.

So in reading Allie’s post (from May 16) touched me... in indescribable ways. So much so I wanted to comment on her blog and try and put words to what I was feeling. I wrote my comment all out only to find out she had reached her comment limit of 5,000 comments already! All within a couple of hours!  Don't get me wrong, I think that's fantastic and I was happy for her. But I was also a little sad because I didn't get to share my own feelings about her post. I wrote about how the post reminded me of why I wanted to start my blog in the first place - to tell my story. My story of depression, which is so similar to Allie’s story, was depicted in such an elegant, artistic way that can only be described as essentially ‘Allie’.

So before I lost the comment I wrote it down in a draft post on my own blog. I wasn't sure I was actually going to post it or not. Specifically because I wanted to use what I learned in a blogging class about promoting one's blog using other social media outlets. I planned on putting a notice on my Facebook page. And if I made a post about this comment - would I want this to be the first post my friends and family might read?  I could always use it later as a part of telling my story.  But the truth was that Allie's post was helping to find my voice.  It helped me realize a big part of what has happened to me in the last two years and how that recovery has made me into the person I am today.  In essence it might be the perfect place to start...

So for a reference go to http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html and read her blog about her 18 month depression.

My comment:

"Thank you for sharing. I actually had these exact same feelings a little over two years ago in April 2011. However mine only lasted 3 weeks. I can't imagine 18 months of that much nothingness.  But from your post I think I got to the semi-suicidal thoughts faster. And trying to explain to others about how I want to cease to exist, but that I did not want to actually do something to make that ceasing to exist actually happen, just confused those I managed to tell. However, you understood the feeling. I probably would have stayed in that state if not for a few key people who pushed me into going to the doctor to get on medication. I was lucky, I know this, because 1) I listened and 2) the right medication/dosage occurred the first time. And like you I came back to life in spurts.

My corn - the piece of the puzzle that just changed everything - wasn't unexpected and weird joy.  My corn was unexpected and weird grief. In July of 2011, I had been on anxiety/depression medication for three months and the ultimate test of it would occur. My father, at the age of 56, died without any warning, of a sudden heart attack. I had a very difficult relationship with my father and I had actually cut him out of my life for the last three years of his life. As a result, grieving his death took me by unexpected surprise because of its intensity. It also took me through a whole range of emotions I thought I had forgotten. It forced me to feel everything in all its Technicolor glory for the first time in six months. The grief process is a long one and to this day I sometimes still feel it. But it also allowed me to work on feelings I'd buried for years. It allowed me to find a way to forgiveness which I'd been struggling with for years. It would take me another three months but I would eventually find my way to joy and gratefulness I had not really experienced... ever in my whole life. It is weird, and often hard to think about, that my father dying probably saved my own sanity, possibly my own life. For that I am simply humbled with gratitude.

In the last 18 months, which crazily coincides with the time you have been silent, I have had the most amazing life. Truly. But I still have these moments, often when I am taking my medication (that I still take daily), where I freeze and remember those three weeks. Sometimes a sliver of the nothingness washes over me. I shake it off every time. I pray that I will always find a way to do that but it reminds me just how close that other reality is inside me. I pray you find a way to cope with this alternate reality of yours and also find ways to shake it off.  Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you."

And that's where for the first time I put into words just how extraordinary my father's death really was for me.  It felt like it was such a big realization to have and I didn't want to lose it simply because Allie's comment section was shut off.

The more I work on this post the more I think it's the perfect place to start (or restart considering this is the 6th post).  But it will be the first post I will actively put out to the world... so a real start.

I am excited to continue this journey.