A Birthday: Forging my Path and Overcoming Doubts

"Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction." - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

It's been a long times since I've posted. And that in itself has led me to not posting. I mean I get to thinking, "It's been this long... why should I do it now?" or "Man, now its been X amount of time in my second attempt at a blog - maybe this is telling me something!" But in all these doubts over these past 10 months I've had the whispering of my heart to continue.
Have you ever had that whispering? I mean it started out vaguely over the last couple of months in response to some HUGE life changes and decisions I've made and the 2-3 blog attempts to describe what has been happening. In the end I let my perfectionist view of what I had to say get to me or my doubts that it really mattered at all. I always had an excuse. And then there is the biggest thing: the fact that sharing about my faith story and how God has moved in my life in the last year is scary.  That maybe it won't appeal to some of my friends on Facebook. That maybe I will sound crazy.

And I let it all get to me. And like my other attempts I simply let it go... (and no singing of any Disney songs now please). And I thought it was OK.

I once had a dream to write a book about my life. I had an inherent need to shout my story from the rooftop - but for all the wrong reasons. Its funny, the more I came to God, the more I healed from the past, the more I found myself, I then began to slowly let go of that dream.  I didn't feel the need to share it for my sake anymore. I did, however, eventually start this blog as a means of sharing my revelations and feeling free to talk about the healing power of God, along with talking about just the general stuff that happens in life from my distinctive viewpoint and voice. In the end I knew that would entail sharing my story, the one I wanted to write all those years ago, bit by bit. And that felt ok - in fact I felt powerfully pulled to do so by God. That sounds very distinctly scary to say. 

But that is what risk is right? It's scary. I bring up risk because of my pastor's sermon just yesterday. Firstly, I know because I'm jumping into month 10 of my life it's as if I'm just making an assumption everyone knows that I've found a church (www.eaglecreekchurch.com) and how important that church has become to making my life here as whole as it is. And see that little tidbit there is my example of how I'd get bogged down in all the details. How am I supposed to tell someone the important stuff if I don't start at the beginning or even just hit the highlights? This is partly my personality (ask my friend A - He totally just asked me this past Saturday night about one specific thing and I told him the whole story of my day from the time I woke up) and partly I think its a way for negativity (the devil) to push at me to just give up right here and now. So I'm going to skip the fact that I may think you need to know more about everything and just start with this sermon.

My church for the past 7 weeks has been doing a summer sermon series called At the Movies.  And I know that I could probably go back and look at my notes and find little tidbits about following God's whispers because I know I've been feeling his nudges for awhile now.  But yesterday's was a bit more forceful than a nudge.  The sermon: "The Bucket List".  It's crazy to me is because I once wrote a Bucket List years ago and my number one to do was to jump out of a plane. Pastor Matt used that as a first example! When he asked who had that on their list I enthusiastically raised my hand and it seemed as if he looked right at me. What is more extraordinary is another one of my top things was writing that book - which I eventually decided my blog could replace that. So it was kind of like a wake up call - like God was saying pay attention.

He then went into the 3 things that we should have on our Bucket List and that if you did these things by the end of your life you will have lived a fulfilled life.  The very first thing: "Keep taking God directed Risk." The other 2 were important too and if you were curious you can go to my church's website and watch it (it's already posted I checked), but I want to just stick with this first principle and how it rattled in my brain for the rest of the day.  Matt said, "God challenges us to step out... to live a life of faith." He reviewed Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Have I been living in faith.  Have I been taking risk. No. No I haven't. Not the biggest one. The one placed on my heart. The one to write about my faith here.  These statements reminded me of a bracelet given to me (and the whole group) by a group member of one of two bible study's  I've been attending this month.  I've been wearing everyday to work since she gave it to us. It says My Life = My Worship. I know I'm going to butcher the story behind it so I will just say what I took from it. We should remember that everything we do in our life should be to the glory of God, whether at home, in church, with friends, at work or really anywhere. I wear it to remember to choose to be a representation of that every day. And while I did that simple thing - wearing a bracelet to change the way I am everyday in the real world - there is one place I'm not showing my faith by my truest God given gift - my writing here and in the online world. I was letting my doubt, need for perfection, and my plain fear of the unknown cloud my calling. 

But did I go home and write a blog post?  No. I went and did laundry - lazily watched television. Didn't even read my two Bible study books like I had promised myself I would do. I let distraction rule. And as a result I was almost late to my Bible Study. And you know what - I was given another push. The book my Sunday night group is reading is called Forgotten God by Francis Chan and the section we were reading was about our reputation and where we letting that it get in our way. If you do listen to the sermon I mentioned you'll see that this went along perfectly with the 2nd principle to live in your life. There was a section about how we as American's tend to worry, to often an unhealthy degree, what people think of us. Chan goes on the say, "When we become overly concerned about our appearance, our spiritual reputation, our coolness, and our acceptance, we are living as citizens of this world rather than as ambassadors." I ended up sharing with my group about this blog and how I related that passage to my own personal fears. They of course challenged me to ignore my fears and worries of such a large gap since my last post. And I went home and could not for the life of me log on to my blog account. And I took that frustration as a sign to just go to bed.

And then there is today.  My 33rd birthday. It's funny I've been telling everyone I'm 33 for several months now. It started out as saying I'm almost 33 and somewhere along the line I just dropped the almost. I don't know if it was that or for the first time in my life I didn't have any plans (even for the weekends before or after). I mean my mom's in Arizona (so far away!) and my brother is in Iowa (so busy!) and my friends here... well we made a comment about a month ago about doing something - but with the holiday, jobs and life... well it just slipped by.  It's also the first birthday in 10 years that I didn't take off from work (as I have a new job I couldn't justify taking a Monday - the hardest day of the week - off). So I woke up today very anti-climatically.

In fact, I woke up sort of in a haze. Not really in a funky sad mood - just hazy. It was the first day of having a new boss, some reorganization at the job as the result of losing 4 supervisor/managers to federal positions. It felt disorganized, I had some difficult claims to read, and it went downhill from there. By mid-day I was struggling to not think why me and to not fall into the negativity that was falling on my shoulders. I kept chanting my new motto: Choose happiness (which is a whole other post I hope to eventually write :) ). At the end of the work day I went to run an errand that proved to just be an errand in frustration as it turned a simple activity of one hour into three hours as I made a huge error in my mapquest calculations. And again I was almost late to getting to my Monday night Bible study!

And tonight - I ended up sharing a big part of my story with these women. Our Bible study we are doing is called Sacred Secrets by Beth Moore and its had a profound effect on me and I really hope to maybe go into some of that in another blog post. But two things stood out to me in tonight's video message from Beth Moore. The first was a diving into the context of Mark 4:22 "For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light." Sounds like an ominous verse but add the previous verse Mark 4:21 "Then Jesus asked them, "Would anyone light a lamp and then put it under a basket or under a bed? Of course not! A lamp is placed on a stand, where its light will shine." Basically it is saying that what God has done for us in secret we should share it with the world. And that basically has described my life over the last 4 years. I have been working in private with God, carving out the bad and letting my scars heal. I've learned to even love my scars. It was ugly at times but it was also quite beautiful in others. And I haven't shared it with very many people. In fact, up until recently, I've only really shared huge chunks of it with those who lived it with me - those that walked the same road to recovery with me. And they actually know the story - saw the transformation, and so its not scary to share it with them. But everyone else, putting out there for possible old friends, friends of friends, acquaintances or even strangers to read.  That is scary.

The second thing was just an extension of the hidden the private, where Beth Moore ended up discussing David and Goliath and how he mentioned how he fought a lion and a bear so they should send him in to fight Goliath. She discussed how the people of that time may not have even understood what he meant or believed him because no one had seen him do these things. She found that so profound she end up on her knees almost shouting "I have fought a Lion and a Bear. You have no idea what I've fought in private." I could relate and I even felt myself saying loudly in my head the exact same words, "I have fought a Lion and a Bear." And I should not hide that under a basket or under a bed.

And if leaving that Bible study wasn't inspiring enough God had three messages in a row for me on the radio... two full songs broken up by a message:

1) Francesca Batistelli's "He Knows my Name" - specifically the following lines:
"Spent today in a conversation, in the mirror face to face with somebody less than perfect
I wouldn't choose me first if I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if you picked everyone before me but that's just not my story
True to who You are, you saw my heart and made something out of nothing....
I'm not meant to just stay quiet, I'm meant to be a lion (A LION you guys!)
I'll roar beyond a song with every moment that I've got
True to who You are, You saw my heart and made something out of nothing"
2) The devotional for today from Jesus Calling Facebook page was shared.  I thought it the perfect intro for my post.

3) Mikeschair's "Thank You" - specifically these lines:
"It would have been easy but I'm glad You never walked away
Cause Your love runs deep for me and I see this beautiful world
And it brings tears to my eyes and I think it's beautiful to be free...
Wanna thank You for the grace, I know I don't have to earn
You love me, You love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank You"

And it was like God talked to me all the way home back to my little apartment. It was all the pushes I need to sit down and write this all out.

It's just past midnight and I've been writing for several hours - but it feels like only moments I've felt so moved.  I'm going to go ahead and post this mistakes and all. Because if I let myself I'll keep it to review tomorrow just to make sure there aren't mistakes made in a rush. But will it have the same earnest edge I feel in it now. I'm not so sure. And besides I've more often than not written whole posts and just never posted them because I felt different later. I think that's all negativity that I don't need to pay attention to. So please enjoy, ignore the grammar mistakes, and feel free to share with whomever you want.

Thank you for reading. But in the end, "all I can say is thank You" to God for giving me the encouragement I needed to sit down and post.    

Friends, Family and More Driving

I was right about not being able to post. But it was a bit longer between posts than I expected! I'm actually finished with my trip and have arrived safely in Lee's Summit as of last night. Time just wasn't on my side when it came to posting (when I actually had internet access). I was super busy and when I wasn't doing something I was just exhausted and sleeping off the trip.

Here is a run down of my trip and some photos I took along the way.

Day 4 - 5 - October 21-22, 2013 - Springfield, Mo
Slept in! Recovered for most of the day from my 3 days of travel in the morning and then we went to Missouri State University campus (it was Southwest Missouri State when I was there). It was really a bit surreal to be on campus. It must have been the time of day but campus wasn't really that busy. So that was interesting to see. Peaceful even.

 

If you look closely you can see the band practicing. C was so excited as she did Band in high school.

 

It's Homecoming. At least it looked like that as the windows in the PSU were painted by different sororities and fraternities.

 

This is J and C (in order). Thanks for such a cool time you two!

 

The main walkthrough on campus that includes the library.

 

Scholar's House. This is where I lived my Freshman and Sophomore years.

 

I just love the old buildings and architecture.

Day 6 - 8: October 23 - 25, 2013 Osage Beach, Mo
Drove to my Grandma's house in Osage Beach. We hung out, worked on her (super hard) puzzle and talked for most of the first and second days. On Thursday we went out to eat at Outback with my Uncle B as it was his birthday. On Friday they took me to my cousin C's high school football game.  Here are some shots from the game. It was sooo cold but at least it wasn't raining. Apparently the game the previously week it was cold and rainy! They were miserable.

Day 9-11: October 26-28, 2013 Mattoon, IL
I unloaded all my things at my grandmother's and took her with me to visit my Uncle G in Mattoon, IL. She was already supposed to be headed that direction and I was able to help out with that. This 5-6 hour drive was a bit harder than my 8-9 hour days earlier on in the trip. Partly I think because I bit nervous driving with my Grandma making sure I didn't lead foot it. And partly because I couldn't play my crazy upbeat music as loud as I do when I drive or that I couldn't listen to my current book on tape because I didn't want to explain the whole story to Grandma. Not that I didn't enjoy being with my Grandma - it was just that I felt the time actually more because I didn't have my normal distractions. Not sure if that's a good way to describe it because I do pay attention to driving and don't want to make it seem like I didn't.

The time with my Uncle's family was mostly just hanging out time. I played with two of my youngest cousins La and Lo (my normal initials don't work when they have the same), played sorry with the two of them, my grandmother and my Uncle, and went to church on Sunday. It was a constant whir of energy when the house was full!

On Monday my grandma and I spent almost the whole day working on my family tree. I had been wanting to get it all down for myself for awhile and I spent nearly 6-8 hours just typing in information into a family tree. I was glad to get it down but I wish I had gotten up earlier so I wasn't doing it into the evening and could have hung out a bit more.

All in all I had a very nice time. I was mad at myself that I didn't get any pics with my Uncle, Grandma or any of the family... will have to make sure to do that next time. I did get a few pics of their gorgeous view before I left.

 

Day 12: October 29, 2013 Drive to Lee's Summit
I left Mattoon, IL at 8:30. I was excited because it was actually the earliest I've ever gotten going the whole time. This was great because it actually got me to Osage Beach to load up my car again earlier than I thought. And then with my Uncle B helping load my car we got it all loaded in 15 minutes and not the hour I expected. This helped to get me into into Lee's Summit before it got dark. That ended up being a good thing with the weather. I drove across Missouri in the sleet and rain and ended with driving for the last hour in almost fog. I took a few quick pics to show what I basically saw all day.

 

And so I arrived yesterday to hang out with my brother R and his wife C. It was a simple and nice night. And so what I needed after the long trip.

 

I slept in today and then unloaded my car and dragged half of it up to my room. I'm partially unpacked but have a long way to go. I ended up canceling plans on my two closest friends because I couldn't stand the thought of getting into my car (I even didn't go grocery shopping like I through I would). That and the fact that it was gloomy and rained all day I just didn't want to drive in it again. But my friend Al brought me a surprise since I wasn't meeting with him and my other friend Am. It was this gorgeous platter of fruit. Which was a nice supportive thing considering I am trying to eat healthy and while a cake or other desert would have been fun this was actually much better for me. It was also sweet to bring it by considering I canceled on them.

 

 

 

I'm excited to see them tomorrow for Halloween and "Trick or Treating" with Am's daughter N. I just hope this weather just lets up!

 

But as it is my Journey here is complete. I'm onto the next big journey - finding a job! It's gonna get real now. I'll be posting about that in the coming weeks. 

Old Comfortable Tennis Shoes

Day 3: Drive to Springfield:
By comparison to the past two days today's drive was a breeze. I even slept in later. Well at least I tried. At nine housekeeping knocked on my door because I forgot to put out the do not disturb card :(. Anyways I then just lounged around until I left at eleven. Of course I then ran into a ton of road construction. So I got into Springfield later than I would have liked especially since I actually had friends to meet. So sometimes its just better to stick to a plan.

It's amazing how quickly and easy it is to settle in with old friends. I vaguely remember a description in a novel about how old friends are just like a pair of old tennis shoes. They may be old but they are comfortable. Or something like that. Now that I wrote that out like that I'm not sure how complimentary the statement is exactly. I've known C and J since freshman year of college and therefore besides my two closest friends from high school are amongst my oldest friends. In fact I roomed with both of them my Sophomore year and then even moved off campus with C and another friend to our own house for our Junior year. C has opened up her home to me for the next 3 nights and that is where I'm posting from right now.

I can't believe that its been a little less than 10 years since we graduated college. As the concept of time has been something I've addressed several times in this blog I won't go into it again. It's just really strange to feel that it was just yesterday that we were all together in school and then deal with the fact that they are now both moms. In fact C's children are already in 2nd grade and Kindergarten. And well that is all just a trip because it doesn't feel like it is all possible. Anyways we all just started talking and the conversation just flowed for nearly 5 hours. It reminded me of how we did that a lot in college. Mostly into the weee hours of the morning. Which we didn't do tonight. C has to get up early for work and J has a 30+ minute drive back home to her family. So that leaves me as the final night owl. But really only because I'm still off on my timing. It's midnight here but a part of me still feels like its 10 - which it is in Arizona. I didn't think I'd have jet lag driving across country but here I am. I just feel blessed that C's house is set up that the guest room is in her basement and so my staying up later than her family isn't keeping them up... or at least I hope it's not. They've been amazing gracious with me letting me stay here, putting my packed car in their garage and giving me a remote so I can come and go as I please. I couldn't ask for better.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to drive around town. See if I can drege up any memories... And after C gets off work the three of us are heading over to campus to see all the changes. Even though they live in the same town that we went to college they haven't been over to it in years either. Then Tuesday I hope to be able to plan something for dinner with other college friends. I actually have to post on Facebook ASAP about it because unlike my usual nature of planning out everything I didn't get that far in setting up anything. As I told J tonight I was surprised by how quickly my trip seemed to just suddenly be happening. So hopefully I'll actually have some friends that are available! 

I'll be leaving town on Wednesday to head to my Grandmother's where I'll be staying through Saturday. Combining the fact that I don't think my Grandma has Wi-Fi and the fact that the next two days or so I just want to relax I'm not sure if I'll be posting again until maybe next weekend. So if I don't I'll try to do a thorough update in the next post.

Oh... and one more photo for this part of the trip. It wasn't the Welcome to Missouri sign. I don't know how I kept missing those signs! It's of the Welcome Center sign just cross the border.

I'm going to go ahead and post this without a review - I'm just a little too tired for it tonight.
So please excuse any errors.

 

 

 

Feeling Grown and Technology is Crazy

Day 2: Driving to Oklahoma City:
I woke up this morning at my crazy nice hotel. I used Hotwire for this trip and I paid less for the hotels for the past two days than the mid-priced hotels that I've stayed in for work. Last night I stayed in a Sheraton (this is funny to me because I accidentally told my family and few friends - that I stayed at a Radisson... I wonder why I shifted that in my head... or maybe that's just funny because I'm tired). And tonight I'm staying at a Hilton Garden Inn.

Anyways I packed up the car and in my readjusting of some of the boxes that shifted I jammed my finger up against my hope chest in the car and nicked it. It started to bleed like crazy and so I ended up actually using the emergency car kit that I bought for the trip. I then started driving out of Albuquerque.

Once past the city New Mexico and into northern Texas is a flat land that led me to lots of thoughts
 about what I was doing.

Look nothing!

 

I am driving cross country on my own! Its funny the things that make me feel my age. I for the most part go around still feeling like I'm 16 years old. I mean emotionally and physically I don't feel like a teenager. And for the most part mentally I normally feel like an adult. Especially when it comes to working, paying bills and caring for myself. But there are a lot of times where, for lack of a better way to describe it, I just don't feel like a grown up. This is something that I wonder if I'll ever get over - feeling younger than I am. I once asked my mother how old she felt and she said 25 so maybe someday I'll get to the point of feeling that age. Maybe after I've had kids and am in my 40-50s.

Anyways driving across the country on my own has made me feel very grown up! Its crazy how much of an adult I feel through all of this. From doctoring my finger calmly to driving very long hours cross flat land that's almost as bad as the deserts I had came from. With my job in Arizona I drove all over the state and there are huge sections of the state that is just numbing desert. Which is another thing that made me feel like an adult. This driving thing has been actually pretty easy. Almost like my "blinking" I've mentioned driving has been a breeze. But more than being an adult I think that more or less has to do with the training I've received over the last 7 years. My job basically took me from one end of the state to the other so I think I've just gotten used to it.

Along the way I saw fields of windmills that generate electricity. It was interesting to see. I tried to take a picture but I'm not sure they really came out.  Because they are white and the sky in the distance looks white they blend pretty well.

It was actually pretty amazing to see the windmills. And I continued to see them in patches throughout Texas. And in the meantime my phone chirped out how many miles I had to Amarillo and then later to Oklahoma. I used my navigation on my phone (in assistance of the printed out MapQuest) to assist me in getting to different stops along the way. In particularly the Cracker Barrels along the way. One of the things I learned in driving all over Arizona was that one of the easiest and cleanest places to use the restroom is in a Cracker Barrel. They inevitably are super busy in their front store areas so slipping in and not buying anything is pretty easy. And considering I liked getting the books on CD to use while driving this was always an easy stop for me and so I've continued to use this concept for this trip. Not to mention that since I packed my lunches for the trip it was super easy to eat them in their overly large parking lots. I also used the phones to get me to the hotels because having the phone tell me where to turn instead of trying to read the instructions (especially at night) helped a lot. And as I thought about it tonight I thought it was really quite extraordinary - this technology we have from the electricity making windmills to phones that are essentially talking maps. And I can't imagine living without these advances anymore.

I'm getting pretty tired. And considering I'm now on central time I've lost another hour! So I'll post this.  Oh but first a couple other photos of my journey.

TEXAS!

This is actually a HUGE cross. I think its supposed to be the largest cross in the US. I know it was supposed to be on this route (when I looked online for interesting things to see along the way this was one of the sites that was supposed to be directly off of the highway).

I just missed the Oklahoma sign! :)

A Full Schedule, Practicing Joy and My First Day of Driving

It's funny to think that now that I'm driving across country I now have the time to actually write a post. This past week has been non-stop packing and running around finishing up errands for the move. And the last thing I thought as I laid down to sleep last night was that I didn't post about this trip as I had planned.  So I told myself - You HAVE to post once you get to Albuquerque! Which given how long the drive is and the fact that with the time zone change it is so very late I really should be finding my way to bed.

So to get to the point:
The Plan - I will post about my trip along the way.  If I can figure out how to access blogger via my phone (it's acting weird about logging on - I tried today and it didn't work) then I'll do some short posts from the road:).  I will also put some photos (now that I know how easy it is!) that I've taken along the way.

Before the Trip:
I've been visiting with family and friends almost constantly for the last two weeks. And while it's been emotional I have not broken down. It's practically a perfect example of how far I've come in my journey. I cry at the drop of hat. I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm overwhelmed or overjoyed. I cry when I'm angry and I cry when I'm excited. But while I've leaked a bit in the past several weeks I haven't been bowled over by it even when some of my closest friends have been taking it harder than I expected.

And more than that everyone keeps asking me about how my mother is taking me leaving. And she really has been a trooper. When I brought it up to her again the other day (she had kept laughing it off the other times I had mentioned other people's concerns) she finally told me that it's about practicing joy. Being sad has no benefits to it and that I'm going on to the next stage of my life and that she supports that whole heartedly. Practicing Joy. This has stuck in my head for the last couple of days. I like the idea because I ultimately have learned in the past 2 years - that it's a choice to be happy. So the concept of practicing joy just feels very real to me.

Day 1- October 18, 2013 - to Alberquerque:
I got up and finalized my car and set out on my trip! My car is completely stuffed! My parents couldn't believe I packed as much as I did into it.

 

My mom had to leave earlier than when I left but I got up early to say goodbye and give her a hug. She gave me a prayer for the road that my grandfather used to say in his benedictions. I'd write it here but I left it in my car and I may want to keep it for myself... it was emotional but again I kept it together.

My step-father almost got me though... he was doing the "Dad" thing checking my engine and tire pressure. I had to step away and not dwell on it or my practicing joy might not have worked very well. I finally gave him a hug and hopped in my car, but not before almost pulling away with one of my doors open!!!

Ahh! The drive... it was good up until the last 2-3 hours. Then it just got weird. I stopped and got a photo of a land formation. And then when I got back on the road I missed the welcome to New Mexico sign as it must have literally been where I stopped but didn't realize it!

I then got turned around in Gallup, NM when I stopped to get gas. Which had me driving in the opposite direction for about 8 miles until I could exit and turn around. I still had 2 hours to go until Albuquerque and my reservation so I just kept at it. But it wasn't that bad because even though it was late I got to stare into the craziest thing: the full moon.

When it finally got dark it was like a flashlight on the road in front of me. SOOOO Bright!

Anyways, I finally arrived in Albuquerque thinking I did well considering it was 8:30 when I check in - only to walk into the hotel room and see the clock read 9:30... oh wait I'm in a different time zone. I forgot to take that into account :(...

So even though I normally stay up for another hour or so I'm thinking I should hit the sack because tomorrow is going to come way too soon.