This
week has been difficult. As I sit here writing this first couple lines of this
post I am waiting for a funeral for a former boss who happened to attend my
church. He died last Friday and I found out Sunday night after my bible study.
Monday it turns out Robin Williams died. Unless you live under a rock you know
who he is. And then I found out my 88 yr old grandmother had to go to the
hospital. While she turned out fine so far, we are dealing with the reality of
her mortality. So death has seemed to surround me for the last couple of days.
And while there is many a debate going on about Robin Williams death because of
the circumstances of it: whether it's about the state of mental health care in
this country; whether suicide is a choice; whether we should care this deeply
about a celebrity - someone most of the public doesn't know personally; whether
it's appropriate for politicians to comment; or whether the media and the
commentators are glamorizing suicide by saying he's in a better place and how
that might affect others who are contemplating suicide. I’ve seen, read, and
even had at least one of these conversations/arguments in the last 3 days.
(Continued tonight after work)
I even saw tonight the fact that Robin William’s
daughter had to delete her social media accounts because of the negative
comments criticizing how much she has posted in the last couple of days and how
many photos (or lack of photos) she had of her father. I mean, really, everyone
has an opinion, including even myself. And isn’t that sad. Can’t we just be
supportive of each other and not pick apart anyone’s reaction. I don’t want to
get into any of those conversations except to say I hope people are gentle
with each other when discussing sensitive topics like this as we can do more
harm than good. And for me I personally will miss Robin Williams as a source of
joy for me. I grew up watching him as he was a favorite of my mothers. As a
result, seeing him in a movie or on TV always gave me the sense of being home.
To
discuss something, that is in reality, a little closer to home: the funeral today. It was really
quite beautiful in its entirety. I barely knew my former boss but he was an
example of God working in my life. When I first arrived in KC in October I got
a job at a big craft store to bide my time and help out financially as I
searched for full time work. In late November/December G. became my manager
there at the store. When it came to scheduling he was very understanding when I
said I couldn’t work on Sundays because of church. But it wouldn’t be until
January when my church was doing an all church study which included sermon
series, related bible study and daily devotional that I'd really find out something remarkable. I had the devotional book in
my purse and as he checked it before leaving the store it was plainly there to
see. He smiled and said, “He my church is doing that study…” and I replied, “So
is mine!” He then asked what church I attend and after I answered he laughed
and said that was his church as well. This was surprising because the store isn’t
in Lee’s Summit which is where I live and where the church is located so what were the
odds that we would both attend a church over a half hour away. Besides that we
never crossed paths – which turned out to be because he went to the 8:00am
service and I mostly go to the 12:30 service. But still it was a nice
connection. We both ended up leaving that store in March/April and I had been
meaning to try and see him somehow at church but I never did. And now I never will.
It just proves that you have to do things when you think of them. Don’t put off
anything that you can and should do now until tomorrow or to some future date.
And this
also has been reiterated with my Grandmother’s health. She is 88 years old and
lately she’s been having episodes of declining health or falls. One of the
reasons I moved back to KC was to be near her and my other Grandma in their
last years. And unfortunately I can count on two hands how many times I’ve seen
both of them, let alone my maternal Grandma who has ailing health. But she’s
recovered this time and I have decided to make sure I don’t squander my
realization that life is short. I’ll be, starting this Sunday, going and
spending Sunday afternoons with her.
For me,
all of this has reminded me of my father’s death over three years ago. The
reality is I should have learned my lesson about putting people off with his
death. I had cut my father out of my life thinking I had all the time in the
world to sort through my feelings about him and our past. And it turns out I
didn’t. He died before I could reconcile with him. I have plenty of older posts
that touch on his death and some of how I got through it so I won’t get into
that again. But I will say it’s amazing how far I’ve come since his death. And
I think, in fact, that some of my current success is due to actually having to
deal with his death and reconciling my feelings about him without him here to
do it. Through that process and as a
result of some deep healing I was able to learn how to choose joy despite all
of my circumstances.
Choose
Joy. This is becoming a mantra for me. It’s a very simple concept that took me
forever to grasp. In fact it didn’t seem simple at all. Choosing to be happy
didn’t make any sense to me. In fact I remember thinking that the people who
told me being happy was a matter of choice were absolutely crazy. They didn’t
understand my pain. But in the end it really was a choice for me. Someday I’ll
sit down and write it all out. I mean again there are bits and pieces of this
throughout the posts on the blog so I hope I’m being transparent enough about
it.
I’ve had
a long day and if I don’t stop soon I won’t get this posted. I will end with
this song I heard over the weekend from Sanctus Real’s “Lay it Down.” It really
hit home for me how and why I was and am able to Choose Joy.
********************************
I know you have your problems
‘Cause everybody's got ‘em
If you get lost in your sorrows
Then you could hit rock bottom
But if you smile in face of trivial things
And you learn to pray when you wanna complain
Stand up straight when the Earth is shaking
And just breathing when you feel afraid
Oh, don't you know
Those problems you're worried about
They can't keep you from living now
When you shake ‘em off and lay ‘em down, down, down
At the cross where your freedom's found
Oh You can stand up no matter what
March on when times are tough
Be strong and don't give up
All you need now
Is to shake ‘em off and lay ‘em down
At the cross where your freedom's found
We all have our seasons
When we get caught up in our feelings
And I know there's a time for laughter and a time for
pain
A time for doubt and a time for faith
But when you believe you can find the strength
So get back up on your feet
Lay it down, lay it down
Why you holding on so tight
Oh, the freedom you will find
When you let go God will take over the fight
Oh, just surrender
And feel what it's like to be free again
